to the boy i never dated but still broke my heart
March 11th, 2015
this is not a love letter. this is me expressing my love, not the kind you think of. no, this is pure affection for you, the person that you are.
for the purpose of this letter, I am going to ignore the fact that we do not talk anymore. we have both argued, screamed, apologized, and cried to each other too many times to count. even if we did still talk, I would be saying this to you, probably in different words, but I'd be telling you the same.
since the very first day we became friends, you have been by my side every single minute of every day. you stood by me amongst the agitation and drama of high school. you listened to me carefully and offered me advice when I was going through all kind of stuff. being your friend made me realize that life is so much more than handing in homework on time and getting straight A’s.
you were the glue that held my life together when I was on the point of destruction. everything in my world was falling apart, but you stayed. I took that for granted. you taught me the value of true friendship, even if it doesn’t last. I am really sorry for the things I’ve done wrong and for the times I hurt you. I shouldn’t have. I never meant to hurt you.
to this day, I still look for you in the hallways and listen for your voice everywhere I go. what hurts the most is even when we see each other, it's all superficial we barely say a word or even look at eachother. I miss looking into your big blue eyes and just smile. it's like what we had never existed.
I hate it.
after all these years, how could we, how could I, throw it all away?
losing your friendship has been a process more painful than any breakup. it feels as if when you left, you took a piece of me with you. as if the physical pain was not enough, the process of emotional detachment from you has been long and rough. a single song or a memory makes me recall how much I care for you, still, after all this time.
you know more about me than any other person on this earth. and even though you left me behind, you will carry pieces of me with you forever. treasure them. I don't regret giving them to you, I trust you will keep those pieces of me safe.
life is too short to be silent about the ones we love. when I think of all the people I lost in my life, I will miss you the most. I miss you. I will miss you every single day of my life. I will never forget you. or the impact you had in my life.
this is not a cry for you to come back to me. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me, you’ll always have a special place in my heart.
again, this is me telling you that I love you. not as a boyfriend or as a lover or even as a friend. I love you as a person. you are so extraordinarily special, and I am blessed to have spent so much time with you as my best friend. I wish it did not have to end. but alas, all good things come to an end, right?
your peanut.
when I look at the stars, I will always think of you.
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